Comfortably numb

Sometimes my anxiety doesn’t present in a straight forward way. I will go days in a haze of numbness, only to startle out of it and realized, yup, that was my disorder and my psyche responding by dulling everything. Sometimes I get a deep, feral anger, that has me lashing out at people.

This post, I want to discuss the numbness.

Depression and anxiety can often go hand in hand. No one can handle being anxious all the time, and the body has lots of ways of dealing with it. One of them is numbness. Tired of feeling stressed out, the mind just shuts down on feeling anything. It’s easier, in the short term, because instead of having a racing heart and nausea, I just feel dull and bored. I watch too much tv and play too much sudoku.

Generally, I get overstimulated and use up all of my energy too quickly. I stop going to sleep at the right times, become overly invested in too many activities, and boom, numbness. I stop doing all the things, my life coming to a standstill.

If I’m paying attention, I can limit how long it lasts. Sometimes, though, weeks will go on before I realize I’m in a rut again. Sigh.

I’m not very good at handling my spoons. I always think I have plenty, and I do, comparatively, but sooner or later I run out. I forget that the anxiety isn’t something that will just go away for a while; it’s always, always there, and if I don’t keep track of where I’m at, I will push myself into a space where I’m unable to function.

The numbness is a sign it’s time to take a break; my subconscious has already started, so the rest of me should take the hint and relax. Knowing that doesn’t always stop me from getting upset with myself for failing to keep writing or socializing, or whatever it is that I’ve been doing. But getting upset or feeling guilty about it doesn’t fix anything, and it can actually make things worse.

I just have to let my energy and passion build back up, regathering my resources, so I can eventually continue on, doing the things I love. And if I can fit little things in, like a blog post here or there, even better.

It’s another balancing act, and one I’m still figuring out.

And for that one reader, who I know will be thinking of it:

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